Pretending to Smile.

I apologise for my lack of posts recently. I haven't felt like I have been positive enough to write anything down and my mind has been all over the place. I seem to have focused on a lot of negativity recently, but yesterday I did something that made me smile. I went and got a tattoo, and for people that know me this is something I used to do a lot and dare I say do enjoy. This was a special tattoo though, and one that I have been thinking about for a week or so. I wanted something that would honour our little peanut, and although nothing will ever bring them back, at least I have something that I can look down at and smile at the happy and cheeky face staring back at me. After looking at the beautiful tattoos that other women have had done for their angels, I feel as though this is the best way that reflects me, my other half and our little peanut. 

This was just a small amount of happiness that I've had over the past few days, compared to the vast amount of sad. I've been trying to get on with a few day to day tasks but everything just seems to tire me out so fast and I end up over working myself and getting worked up and emotional. But if I sit and do nothing, I spend too much time thinking and usually has the same effect. One thing that I have noticed from when I have been trying to keep myself busy is that people who know about what's happened start to assume you're ok again. That you're back in your normal routine and you're back to your old self. I don't think this will ever happen, and no matter how much grief I overcome, I don't think that I can ever go back to the person I was before. The words 'STAY STRONG' have also been ringing in my ears recently. A lot of people seem to be saying it to me, and I don't think they really understand how strong I have to be to even get up in the morning, to spend a day without breaking down or crying, or to even go to the shops for half an hour. Staying strong is the ability to do everyday things. I am not ok. and I will never forget my baby, sometimes it's too hard to bite your tongue all of the time though.

One good day, More bad days.

I've been away for a few days. There were some things that needed to be sorted out and some chapters in my life that were closed. I've been having a terrible time lately trying to come to terms with grieving for our angel and wondering when (or if) things will ever start to get better, or at least for the good days to start to out number the bad. 

On Monday I had decided to attend a support group that I found in Central London run by The Miscarriage Association. I have always found it easier to talk about my feelings and grief to other women who I don't necessarily know, but who have gone through and are feeling the same ways that I am. All day I had been contemplating whether or not to go as the thought of travelling for 45 minutes to get there was causing my anxiety to go crazy! In the end I thought to myself, I'll just go this once, if I don't like it or if I feel uncomfortable I can just leave and I never have to go back again. Now, I am so glad that I did go as I feel it was the best thing that I've done to help on my path of grief. We all sat and spoke about our own stories, experiences and feelings. Every woman's story was different to the next but it was so strange how each story related to your own. It helped me to know that the feelings and emotions I am going through are normal, and that other women are feeling them too. Things that I have been feeling that are tearing me apart, other women said they had the same experience and it made me feel a lot less guilty for feeling like that. I would like to thank every one of the women that was there at the group that night for sharing their stories and their kind and supportive words. Without them, I don't think I could have made it through the next day.

The Miscarriage Association Support Group - London

McNair Centre, Guys Hospital

Next meeting is 29th July from 6.30pm-7.30pm

Email: info@miscarriageassociation.org.uk for your nearest meeting.

For anyone looking for a support network or somewhere to go to speak to other women (and men) I highly recommend this group! The only thing is that it is only run once a month, it would be nice to have a group every 2 weeks or so, so you can make connections with the women you are sharing your story with.

One thing that has been playing on my mind a huge amount for the past couple of days is whether or not we should try again? This pregnancy was completely out of the blue, but was a pleasant surprise when we found out. Now I have been thinking about maybe trying again, wanting another baby so much it hurts to even think about it. Last night it hit me, what if we did get pregnant again and we lost another child? How could we ever get through this happening a second time? I know I shouldn't be thinking about that and the stress that I would put myself under would be completely unhealthy, but I think it's a thought that will never go away until I have a healthy, happy rainbow baby in my arms.  

Lower than this?

The past few days have been my absolute worse yet. I haven't left the house and I've hardly left my room apart from at meal times. Last night I felt like I had truly hit the bottom of what has been a continuous dark black hole. I don't know for how long, but most certainly a couple of hours, I sat at the edge of my bed from around 1am this morning sobbing, crying and visioning over and over in my head that awful day that I saw my beautiful angel on the screen at the hospital, the tiny speck of happiness that shone in my heart just before it was ripped away by the words 'there's no heartbeat'. The worst thing of all was turning to my other half, looking him in the eyes and seeing the pain and sadness that I had never seen before. Although he doesn't say much, that one second I could see him crushed. But all he wanted to do was to hold me, to take my hands and never let go. He wanted to protect me from anything bad happening ever again and for that I am so thankful for because I wouldn't have been able to get out of bed and start the day this morning, and for every morning for the past 2 weeks without him being there. 

After last night, I really don't think I can feel any worse than I possibly did right then. Feeling so alone and helpless. Feeling as though there is nothing left but an empty hole where my former self used to be.

Grief takes different forms for each and every one of us, and yesterday I realised that both of us are completely different in this way. But although he doesn't cry and although he doesn't shout I know that he will never ever stop thinking about our little peanut. Everything about our little baby would have made us so happy, but we still have each other. We are stronger together and nobody should be left alone! Someone that has helped me a lot over the past couple of days has been a wonderful lady called Laila. This may sound strange, but Laila and I have never met before, in fact I don't know where she lives or what she does for a job. But one thing that we are connected by is the grief that we are suffering through the loss of our beautiful children. We are untied by our angel babies. We connected through the community of angel mummies on instagram and Laila runs her own blog Loving An Angel Instead which tells her own story. Something that she posted yesterday hit me hard, and made me realise that I had to come to terms with the way in which me and my other half grieve and how differently we do deal with what has happened.

I just want to say: I know you are hurting too, I know you are grieving too. We don’t need to grieve the same way to share the same pain. I am sorry if sometimes I lose track of that fact. We are in this together. I am here for you, as you are here for me. I love you. We’re still standing, together. We’ll get through this, together. And we will remember her,always, together.

I miss the feeling in my belly and the feeling in my heart when you were part of me. You weren't big enough to make yourself known yet but we knew you were there and the love you bought to the world was stronger than anything we could have ever imagined.

Thank you - Shelby's story.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has and will read this blog. Yesterday the blog reached over 100 views. And after a week of being online and only 4 posts I am already succeeding in my aim to unite mums and dads of angel babies through my own story and thoughts, as well as the stories of others. This weekend I want to share the stories of some inspirational women who have helped me through the start of my journey. Everyone's stories are different, but each and every story should be told. All loss, no matter how small is significant.

This is the story of angel mummy Shelby. @shelbyalbinson

I feel as if there are so many ladies on here with worse stories than mine, but I wanted to share my miscarriage in the hope of finding relief.

My finance, (boyfriend at the time) and I were not planning on having a baby so when those two pink lines appeared, little to say we were terrified. I have a rare severe form of endometriosis and doctors have told me for years that I would be infertile by the time I was 22. So I couldn't help but feel blessed to be pregnant and feel so great. I immediately set up doctors appointments and started taking prenatals.

Everything was going great even though the doctor reassured me at my ultrasound it was normal not to see anything yet because of how early it was (6 weeks). However, on the night of April 25th I started having brown discharge.. I was terrified but after hours of reading and research I was comforted to find out that it was normal in early pregnancy for old blood to come out. Except the morning of April 26th my worst fears came true, I started bleeding red. We went to the ER were I had blood tests and several ultrasounds. When my blood test came back it determined that my HCG levels had dropped to 65 :( and I was indeed having a miscarriage. However my doctor still had to perform a pelvic exam. During the exam I passed my baby. They placed the small little placenta with my angel inside on the tray next to me. They immediately covered it up and tried to reassure it was nothing, even though I knew it was my baby. My first, and one and only. My fiance held me and we both cried. 

You were unexpected but still loved unconditionally the moment I found out I was pregnant with you. My heart breaks that I wont be able to meet you this December but I just try and remember that my angel is safe, and is watching over and protecting me everyday.

I miss and love you my angel. 

26/4/13 <3

A Letter to You.

There's something I needed to do today. After another awful day I realised how truly lucky I am to have someone so strong and loving by my side throughout all of this.

I felt the best way to show him how much I really do appreciate him was to write it in a letter. I don't think and I hope to God that we will never have a year as hard as this past one has been.

You are my rock. I love you.

I'm So Sorry.

I'm going to keep this post short and sweet as I felt as though I needed to let out a short rant. Yet again I have been feeling pretty low today, although I've been trying to rest since I had such a busy weekend it's not so easy as it leaves me alone with my thoughts. I think this has been something that's been building up inside me and today it finally came to the surface and boiled over. 

As I have said before, the doctor had diagnosed my with a urine infection 2 days before I went for my scan and I was sent away with antibiotics and a sample bottle, which I did. Today my mum received a phone call from my doctors (I'm not living at home but am still registered to the doctors there) where the receptionist asked if I was able to give them another sample to make sure the infection had cleared up. They had no knowledge about what had happened in the mean time so my mum told them just so they could put it onto my records. Half an hour later my actual doctor phoned up asking for me, once again my mum told her that I'm not living there at the moment and told her what had happened. My doctor went on to say several times how she was so sorry about what had happened and how these things happen. She also said how sometimes these things are just not ment to be and that when the time comes then it will happen.

My mum called me to tell me that she had given the doctor my mobile number as she said she would like to talk to me to make sure I was ok and then told me the conversation she had had. I appreciate the doctor calling, checking up on how I am and trying to give me any form of comfort and this may sound completely selfish. But sorry isn't going to make everything go away or make everything better. I already know that these things happen and that 1 in 4 women go through this, and the last thing that I want to hear is that 'maybe it wasn't supposed to happen right now'. These really aren't the right things that I want to hear, and maybe some day they wont affect me as they have done today, but people keep on telling me they're sorry for what's happened and it makes me think.. How can they be sorry, they had no part in it, they didn't make the decision. It doesn't make you feel better at all no matter what context you put it into. 

Sorry is just a word.

Happy Fathers Day.

Firstly I'd like to say Happy Fathers Day to my other half. It has only been just over a week now since we lost our little peanut but I know you would have been the best daddy in the world, but now our angel baby is watching down on us and knows just how amazing you really are! Also to all of the other dads of angel babies, although you were never able to hold your precious bundles in your arms, they will always be in your hearts. Just because our babies aren't here, it doesn't mean that we aren't parents. We just have a special kind of child.

This weekend has been really quite hard for me. My partner and I are currently living in separate houses so we spend as much of our free time as we can seeing each other and spending precious time together. Over the past 2 days we had things planned that we'd planned long before our lives had changed and we decided that we would go ahead and do them together. I haven't really left the house much since the day I came back from the hospital so this seemed like a good idea to get me out and have a bit of change of scenery. Everything seemed to be fine, but today I have realised that my body maybe isn't physically ready to get back to normal, and emotionally I definitely have a long way to go. It feels like weeks ago that we lost our peanut, but at the same time that day replays over in my head every time I wake up in the morning. 

With today being Fathers Day, I have found it particularly hard, holding onto the thought that we still are parents to our angel baby, we just never had the chance to meet him/her. Something that has comforted me so much is the beautiful words and pictures that people are posting on instagram. Although it sounds silly at the moment, I have spent a lot of time looking at the feeds of other men and women who have been through the same thing that we are at the moment. 

Something that I am trying to focus my thoughts on is thinking of something to look forward to. There has been such a lot of pain and negativity that something like our holiday in August may be just what we need right now. My graduation is in just over a week, I'm trying to think positively about that at the moment although it's hard to see past tomorrow.

My story.

Although it hasn't been long since our little bundle of joy was sent to heaven, I feel as though starting this blog is going to be a great help in starting to deal with what has happened. If this blog could reach just one person and give them comfort, knowing that they are not alone in what they are going through,  my scribbles will be worth while. 

My name is Samantha and this is my journey. To start this journey, I would like to share my story.

We found out that we were expecting at the end of April, it came as a complete shock as me and my partner had recently moved away from our house that we shared and back to our respective parents houses. My younger sister had also found out that she was pregnant around 6 weeks before we did, so there was a lot of excitement in the air when we told my mum. 

As this was unplanned, it took us a while to get our heads around what was happening and we started looking for a new place to live as a family that would be close enough to both of our families to start our new life.

3 weeks ago I started getting cramps in my lower abdomen and around my lower back, I thought these would just be regular pregnancy pains but booked a doctors appointment for a week later just to be safe. For the time leading up to my doctors appointment I knew in the back of my mind that something bad was happening but I didn't want to believe it and just put it down to nerves as it was approaching our 12 week scan. The pain was constantly there but was mostly at it's worse during the evening and at night when I laid down.

The doctors appointment came along 2 days before our scan. The doctor told me that from what I told her it was most likely that I had a urine infection and that my heart and blood pressure was fine. She gave me antibiotics (suitable for pregnant women) and told me to bring a urine sample in the next day, she examined my stomach but didn't do any scans or check for a heartbeat. She told me that everything seemed fine, but at the back of my mind I still knew that something wasn't right. That night when I got home, I had some really light spotting and didn't sleep at all.

The next day I phoned my midwife and explained about the pains, the spotting and what the doctor had told me. She, again, said that what I was explaining sounded like a urine infection and that some women loose blood during their pregnancies. She assured me that it didn't sound like something to worry about and that I shouldn't bother going to A&E as my scan was the next day. 

The next day we went into the scan room and I held my breath, as she started the ultrasound I felt sick and couldn't even look at the screen. I looked at my partner and asked if there was anything on the screen. It felt like an infinity before the nurse spoke, saying the words that I had been dreading for 2 weeks. Our baby was there, but unfortunately there was no heartbeat. We were now the mummy and daddy of an angel baby.

This day changed my life forever.